Well intentioned support can end up toxic support.
“You should just workout with me, I don’t know why you need to go to a gym”
“Just buy new clothes if you can’t fit in the ones you have.”
“I think you look great, I don’t know why you are trying to change.”
“You are just going to quit again anyway, why even try?”Spouse, Friend, Mom, Well Meaning Loved One
I bet some of them sound familiar to you. But here’s the good news: I’m here to tell you that you are not alone.
I hear stories like this frequently when meeting with potential clients.
People only know how THEY think. It’s very different to understand how other’s think.
Here are four ways to deal with well intended toxic support and keep moving forward:
You Should Just Workout With Me.
What might work for them, might not work for you. It’s not only that you probably need a different workout, you also have different ways of being motivated.
Not to mention getting hurt.
This person knows their body, but it doesn’t mean they are able to coach you to keep you safe. And if they are a trainer, then they know everyone has different struggles. Remind them that what you need from them is support, not approval. Start on your terms, they way you need it to work. Be consistent. And let the results speak for themselves.
Just Buy New Clothes.
That comment hits like a dagger, right ladies?
What’s next? Buy more clothes when the new ones no longer fit?
Spending money on clothes, makeup, liposuction, tummy tucks, cool sculpting are not the answers to your overall health and wellness. All of those things are temporary fixes and until you have a healthy relationship with food and fitness – the spending will never end. You can become a person that prioritizes health and fitness and that won’t happen by buying new clothes.
When you hear that comment, let emotions settle first. Once you’ve given it a few days, dig into it. Explain that you want to lose the weight and keep it off. While you appreciate the ability to go buy clothes, that isn’t going to change the cycle you have been in for years. Use the money to invest in something that works. Not more equipment, not meal replacement shakes, but a coach or a mentor who can guide you to what WILL work for your lifestyle, vs someone else’s.
I think you look great, why are you doing this?
We’ve all been there. Everyone thinks that we should see ourselves the way they do. Who else spends that much time with our bodies and can feel the uncomfortableness as we move or sleep?
They just don’t know our internal thoughts and self talk. It doesn’t matter what they think you look like, it matters what you think you look like.
At times, it’s a lack of confidence situation, but does it matter? If you aren’t happy, you aren’t happy. And no amount of “Don’t worry about it”, or “You look great” Is going to change that. There are things that good nutrition and a fitness routine can give you that can start to help change your mindset.
I’ve been told from almost every person that walks in our doors that they feel amazing just after the first workout. This isn’t a physical change. They didn’t lose 10lbs or 5% body fat in that workout. They were however able to get some physical activity that caused all sorts of mood changing processes to happen in their bodies. Now, one workout doesn’t cure everything but staying consistent can help. It, like anything that matters, will take time.
You will wake up soon and start to like what you see in the mirror.
You are just going to quit again, why even try?
This is tough for a lot of women we know. We put our spouses, kids, job, basically anything and everything first. We nurture, we fix, we solve problems. But then what about if our problems need to be solved? We get to them when we can.
I’ll give you two reasons why you have quit in the past. It’s up to you to break the cycle and stop spending time and money on things that won’t work and cause you to quit.
- It was too complicated and not sustainable. Weight loss shakes, restricting junk food, drastically cutting carbs, 500 calories a day diets will all result in weight loss. Not gonna lie. They will. Temporarily. When following these programs, you have learned nothing that will help you have a healthy and sustainable relationship with food and fitness for LIFE. Unless you only want to lose weight for a few weeks or months, stay away from that garbage. You learned that a shake, or restricting yourself of anything you’ve ever loved about food, is going to help you lose weight. False. Weight loss comes from taking in less calories than you expend on a daily basis. If you can’t be consistent with a healthy balance for rest of your life, as soon as you start eating “normal” again the weight will come back on, because you will be taking in more calories than you expend. Everyone has a different starting point with finding their healthy relationship with food and fitness. A good rule of thumb is to eat a plate with lean protein, 1/2 plate of vegetables, a small amount of starchy carbs and throw in some fruit on occasion. Drink water all day. Strength train 3 times a week with a couple days of cardio. Move intentionally for 30 minutes a day. Meditate or journal and most importantly plan your day out ahead of time. It’s NOT complicated, but it certainly isn’t easy to go from a sedentary, take out, lifestyle to this overnight. Find a coach (I know a good one ;)) who can figure out what will work for you vs whoever google is speaking to when you search for the quick fix.
- You don’t prioritize yourself. Do I need to even explain this one? I don’t know any woman who hasn’t struggled with this. The difference between the ones who succeed and the ones who don’t is planning and prioritization. You can prioritize your kids by prioritizing yourself. How much better will your kids’ or spouses’ lives be once you have more energy, more confidence, more purpose in your day. What will your kids learn from you about lifestyle and healthy habits based on what you do vs what you say? What will they learn about quitting vs perseverance? Kids activities happen, plan around them. Or better yet, before signing them up for the next thing, make sure it works around YOUR schedule. Change your mindset about what is important. Life is not the same for you or anyone around you if you aren’t at your A game. A good rule of thumb is 4 full weeks of 3 times a week (not missing ANY scheduled sessions, and not rescheduling any) is when you really start to believe in yourself and your ability to continue and THAT starts to increase your confidence dramatically. It also shows everyone that you are in it for the long haul.
At the end of the day, if you’re going to make changes in your life to support your health and fitness goals, you need to come to terms with the fact that you can’t possibly make everyone happy. If you become resilient to criticism and confident in your decisions, you’ll take major steps on the path to your personal success.
P.S. If you want to set up a time to talk through any of this, let’s get on the phone first to be sure we can help and at least get you some guidance.